rambiling 12/23

I think all this time I’ve mourning the death of my soul, my spirit.
You know that feeling you can’t shake… that you’re on the edge of a cliff, and it would take something so small, like a light breeze to make you go over it? I think I fell over that cliff and I’ve been freefalling for so long and had no idea. I opened my eyes and I’m inches away form hitting the ground face first.
I’m afraid that one day, I am going to walk out on everyone I know. When I moved to North Carolina this year, it was pretty damn close. I am afraid that one day I am going to smash my phone against the wall and throw my laptop down until it breaks into a million pieces so no one can find me.
I’m afraid that I have nothing left to give anyone. What if I can’t love someone? What if someone walks into my life and could change it, but all I am is decaying bone and flesh, unable to see or feel anything from them? All I ever imagined was loving people, loving people that I’ve known my whole life and people that I pass on the streets, and just crying because humanity, my God humanity needs something more. And I know that, and I see that and I feel every time I come in contact with someone. I wanted to be a spark that ignites change and hope in someone’s life. I’m afraid I can’t be that person anymore. What if I can’t give someone that spark? What if that’s what’s killing me?
What if I’ve grown so cold that all I will ever be able to do is feel bad for those people on TV, hungry and hurting, and just change the channel? I keep changing the channel when those commercials come on because when they come on I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because these people are hurting and I’m crying because I don’t think I have it in me anymore to help anyone else. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve tried so be there for everyone, and I’ve tried so hard to give everyone something to hold on to. I tried to keep the hope alive in my heart that one day my friends will get it right. I kept thinking someone would follow my lead. But no one. Not one.

And I’m crying right now because I feel like every ounce of life has been taken out of me. I’m crying because I am so heartbroken… my heart is completely shattered into pieces and I’ve lost sight so badly that I don’t even know where to look. Why does everyone have to be so disappointing?

Why am I so disappointed in myself?

and it’s all I can do…

“If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love.”

– George Orwell, 1984

Life…

29 Photos That Put All Of Our Struggles In Perspective

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”
And the Princess said, “NO.”
And the Princess lived happily ever after. And traveled the World and met interesting people and learned new stuff. And she hooked up with some cute guys and nobody thought she was a slut and always put herself first.
And went to rock concerts. And no one ever told her “go make a a sandwich.”
And kept her apartment and all of her shoes and never got cheated on, period. And all her family and friends thought she was fucking cool as hell. And made tons of money & the toilet sea was always down(like it’s supposed to.)

The End.

“Please know that there are much better things in life than being lonely or liked or bitter or mean or self conscious. We are all full of shit. Go love someone just because; I know your heart may be badly bruised, or even the victim of numerous knifings but it will always heal even if you don’t want it to, it keeps going. There are the most fantastic, beautiful things and people out there, I promise. It’s up to you to find them.”

“The world is too big for love to be real. There are too many people in the world to ever know, beyond everything, that you are with the right person. That your heart is as swollen as it can be. Think of all the people in China. It is unlikely anyone will ever meet all of them. How can we know for certain, for absolute certain, that trapped inside a foreign language and thumping in a foreign heart there isn’t a love that is meant for us. The infinite possibility of existence, its limitless potential, is the proof we need that love is nothing more than an imagination, a human folly, friendship swollen with self-importance, a final retreat from the storm of possibility. The love of our life could so easily have been someone else. It is random and accidental, haphazard and unsystematic. That which we fell for one person, clinging on to the delusion of destiny, could so easily be felt for a million people should the timing and the meetings and the mutual readiness have coalesced at some other time in some other place. Should someone else have accepted us or rejected us then everything would have been different. And once we know this, we know that all love is a lie. Not honesty but deception. Not heroism but cowardice. An unspoken agreement of mutual consolidation and compromise, a shield from possibility and a bed in which to sleep, nothing more than that.

But I do still miss her.”

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

– Charles Bukowski