rambiling 12/23

I think all this time I’ve mourning the death of my soul, my spirit.
You know that feeling you can’t shake… that you’re on the edge of a cliff, and it would take something so small, like a light breeze to make you go over it? I think I fell over that cliff and I’ve been freefalling for so long and had no idea. I opened my eyes and I’m inches away form hitting the ground face first.
I’m afraid that one day, I am going to walk out on everyone I know. When I moved to North Carolina this year, it was pretty damn close. I am afraid that one day I am going to smash my phone against the wall and throw my laptop down until it breaks into a million pieces so no one can find me.
I’m afraid that I have nothing left to give anyone. What if I can’t love someone? What if someone walks into my life and could change it, but all I am is decaying bone and flesh, unable to see or feel anything from them? All I ever imagined was loving people, loving people that I’ve known my whole life and people that I pass on the streets, and just crying because humanity, my God humanity needs something more. And I know that, and I see that and I feel every time I come in contact with someone. I wanted to be a spark that ignites change and hope in someone’s life. I’m afraid I can’t be that person anymore. What if I can’t give someone that spark? What if that’s what’s killing me?
What if I’ve grown so cold that all I will ever be able to do is feel bad for those people on TV, hungry and hurting, and just change the channel? I keep changing the channel when those commercials come on because when they come on I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because these people are hurting and I’m crying because I don’t think I have it in me anymore to help anyone else. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve tried so be there for everyone, and I’ve tried so hard to give everyone something to hold on to. I tried to keep the hope alive in my heart that one day my friends will get it right. I kept thinking someone would follow my lead. But no one. Not one.

And I’m crying right now because I feel like every ounce of life has been taken out of me. I’m crying because I am so heartbroken… my heart is completely shattered into pieces and I’ve lost sight so badly that I don’t even know where to look. Why does everyone have to be so disappointing?

Why am I so disappointed in myself?

Zephyr

So last week I went on a 3 day sabbatical in the woods with some of my good guy friends. We stayed in Uwharrie National Forrest and I felt so at peace (I was also stoned half of the time, but that’s an entirely different story that I can barely remember in the first place.) But anyway, I have always been infatuated with the outdoors. Mother Nature, how can I thank you enough for the beauty that encompasses everything around me, even when I feel as if my life has become so mundane? Nothing is the same when it comes to the outdoors. Every tree is different; every leaf, every rock, and every little critter is disparate from one another. That has always been the grandeur of the wilderness, at least in my eyes. The somewhat sad, but technically good part that was missing from camping was the fact that there was no wind. I mean, when camping the wind is definitely not your friend. Have you ever had your tent blown over? Well… it really, really sucks. Regardless, I could remember all the times when I was younger that I would go off on my own, sit somewhere in the woods, and just take deep breaths. All of your senses are more alert out there. I could close my eyes and let the wind kiss every curve and crevice on my body. I can let it tear at my clothes, allowing every ripple to create a series of sounds that harmonize with the dead silence, or possibly the dozens of birds chirping as they look on. That is a symphony only nature can compose. Every hair on my body is flowing in the same direction, and the zephyr is whispering in my ear to just let go. I swear at times I thought I was off the ground. All I can hear is the susurrus of the wind and imagining myself existing within the air. I could decide if I wanted to either graze someone’s skin as they walk into their job, or blow over someone’s tent at a campsite. Every time pressure mounds, I get to create a force that lifted me and took me anywhere I wanted or needed to go. The beauty of the idea of being a part of the wind is that I would never stay any where too long. I would pass by and overlook the Earth in all it’s splendor(and sadly all of its decay), and I would get to see and touch something new every day. Think about how down right AWESOME it is to see, hear and learn something new every time you go outside. I imagine myself as I pass over every inch of the Earth, collecting stories and images, creating a passion that would allow me to continue to blow wherever I needed to go to find more. Maybe Bob Dylan was right… and the answer, my friend, IS blowing in the wind(or possibly, with it.)
If I don’t start traveling the World soon, I am going to lose my mind. I have become a moored 23 year old, sitting at a desk at 8 am when I should be having lunch in a foreign land. *sigh*
I also wish I could ride my bike.