I think all this time I’ve mourning the death of my soul, my spirit.
You know that feeling you can’t shake… that you’re on the edge of a cliff, and it would take something so small, like a light breeze to make you go over it? I think I fell over that cliff and I’ve been freefalling for so long and had no idea. I opened my eyes and I’m inches away form hitting the ground face first.
I’m afraid that one day, I am going to walk out on everyone I know. When I moved to North Carolina this year, it was pretty damn close. I am afraid that one day I am going to smash my phone against the wall and throw my laptop down until it breaks into a million pieces so no one can find me.
I’m afraid that I have nothing left to give anyone. What if I can’t love someone? What if someone walks into my life and could change it, but all I am is decaying bone and flesh, unable to see or feel anything from them? All I ever imagined was loving people, loving people that I’ve known my whole life and people that I pass on the streets, and just crying because humanity, my God humanity needs something more. And I know that, and I see that and I feel every time I come in contact with someone. I wanted to be a spark that ignites change and hope in someone’s life. I’m afraid I can’t be that person anymore. What if I can’t give someone that spark? What if that’s what’s killing me?
What if I’ve grown so cold that all I will ever be able to do is feel bad for those people on TV, hungry and hurting, and just change the channel? I keep changing the channel when those commercials come on because when they come on I can’t stop crying. I’m crying because these people are hurting and I’m crying because I don’t think I have it in me anymore to help anyone else. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve tried so be there for everyone, and I’ve tried so hard to give everyone something to hold on to. I tried to keep the hope alive in my heart that one day my friends will get it right. I kept thinking someone would follow my lead. But no one. Not one.
And I’m crying right now because I feel like every ounce of life has been taken out of me. I’m crying because I am so heartbroken… my heart is completely shattered into pieces and I’ve lost sight so badly that I don’t even know where to look. Why does everyone have to be so disappointing?
Why am I so disappointed in myself?
a poem with no title 