this and that

The year I followed my firm heart,
was the same year my heart changed.
The year I ignored the feeling in my gut,
was the same year I realized I had to trust it.
The year I stopped believing,
was the same year I realized I could not afford to stop.
The year I followed my only truth,
was the same year I realized it was all a lie.
The year I tried to make it right,
was the same year I realized not everything can be fixed.
The year I tried to evade people who needed me,
was the same year I realized I needed some of those people, too.
The year I tried to follow a dream
was the same year I realized I could happy living a different one.
The year everything was going to change,
was the year it did.

One day I’ll wake up, and it won’t hurt anymore..

Usually at work, I’m very unaware of the people around me. Do I see them? Yes. Am I aware of their physical presence? Duh. I greet every customer with a smile. The causal, “How are you doing?” But I don’t ever see them. A customer could walk in and out and I will greet them like I have never seen them before (meanwhile they left the store 5 minutes ago.) I do not see their clothes or their faces; they are just blurs passing through my already imperfect vision.

Until today. Today was different. I noticed someone; more specifically, a feature about them. Something stood out to my hazy and inattentive eyes. A woman. Tall. Curvy. Her face? I honestly couldn’t even tell you what her face looked like. And her shirt? Just another shirt. A fashion statement. Something cute to wear while shopping. But to me it sent shock waves. It reached out to me, held my head tight and wouldn’t let my eyes look at anything else.

“You never love the same way twice”

Did you know that is a song? I was unaware that this was a phrase already, let alone a song. Unaware that one day I would see this phrase and spend the rest of the day dwelling on it.

I think everyone has one really powerful love in his or her lifetime. Some are auspicious in their endeavors in love, and get to have that love for the rest of their lives. Some people, like myself, are left to look at this powerful love with pain and sadness.

So it goes like this: Someone did something different to you, or for you. And because of that, you fell “in love.” Head over heels. You couldn’t describe it for the life of you. Someone to shake the core of you. Someone to make you throw out all logic, all reason; someone to awaken parts of you you didn’t know existed. Your dopamine and oxytocin levels are through the roof – and it’s love. And it feels so good. Oh, the pure ecstasy of it all. You’re addicted to this feeling…to the experience. You may even say to yourself, “What I do without you? Where would I be without you? Who would I be without you?” You are so wrapped up in what you think is the most extraordinary experience you will ever have. And like I said, there are many of us who do not get to carry this love with them for the rest of their lives. Eventually, all this addictive joy turns into unbearable pain.
When you come down from that high, you come down hard. The emptiness and the hurt all at once crashes over you like a tsunami. You are drowning… and the worst part about it? You just feel like it is all your fault. It’s your fault, because you are well aware of the fact that you care for someone more than yourself. It’s your fault, because you think this person doesn’t see what you see, or doesn’t feel what you feel. It’s the desperation that flows through every inch of your body. It’s as if this person is your sole source of happiness. You almost wonder how your body ever produced dopamine until now. It’s the little things that start to affect you, too. Like when every song somehow relates to this person. Soon, every moment is spent analyzing and daydreaming about the love you share, but you no longer have. Anyone who has had their “heart-broken” knows what pain I am talking about. When all you can do is cry. When every moment is spent trying to calculate some master plan to have that feeling back. You would do anything, say anything, go anywhere. If this person went to the other side of the world, you would find a way to follow. You’ve spent more time chasing what is gone than you’d care to admit.

You just become sick. Sick in the head, sick in the body, and sick to your soul. Your inner most being is in constant pain. Without this person, you begin to experience anhedonia. Nothing is right without them. You get so lost in what you believe, and think (and hope) is love. Love that made you feel like your soul was awakening. The beginning and the end of arguably, the most important aspect of your life. You can’t stop the pain, yet you couldn’t imagine anyone else bringing you that feeling of elation. An elation you never thought you would experience. And now, well… your brain is all over the place. You’ve lost all control. It’s crazy. And that’s how you feel. Crazy. Uninhibited. Unhinged. As if this is the best pleasure and worst pain you will ever feel. All you are is broken.

Before you know it, this person is on a pedestal. Even way after the relationship has ended, the fights are over, and you’ve moved on (or so you tell yourself.) But you haven’t moved on. Not really. You’re still worshiping this person without realizing it, because anyone you’ve met since has not come close. I personally have done this. For years I would say to myself, “I like him, but not as much as [you know who].”
“I just can’t picture myself with anyone but [you know who]”
“No one gets me like he does.”
“What we had was real. It was different. I am never going to find that again.”
“If I can’t like them as much as I liked [you know who], what’s the point?!”
“He did something to me that I can’t explain. It can’t be duplicated.”
(As I type these phrases, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous they sound.)

And it’s true. It won’t ever be the same with anyone else.

I thought about my love. What remains of it. What it’s taken from me. What it’s given me. I’ve only had one love in life. One person capable of uplifting me, yet dragging me to my lowest point. One person has ever made me feel desperate and desolate. One person who I believed awakened my soul and brought meaning to my spiritless life. A person I would have given up my name for. Someone who I told myself I would never find again. Someone who I believed would be the only person to resurrect my dead heart. After all, it was he who destroyed it. Remember that song from The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus that had the verse:
“Use me as you will. Pull my strings just for the thrill.”
It was he who was, in a sense, my puppeteer. He, who I believed could do things for my spirit I could not do for myself.

As I sit here, I can honestly believe everything in that one statement.
“You never love the same way twice.”
I too, for many years, convinced myself that I would never feel for someone the way I did him. Ever. It has not been for a lack of effort. I just have never felt remotely as connected and in desperate love for them as I did. And, for the first time in 7 years, I realize how important that is.

I will never love the same way twice. I will never love someone the way I did him. I will never love so much that I allow someone to make me feel incomplete without them. I will never allow myself to give all of me and receive nothing in return. I lost my spirit and soul because of that love, and as I gain it back, I will guard it with my life. I was manipulated and deceived, and I became a lesser version of myself. Someone who cared more about one person than the beautiful life she was surrounded by. Ya know, it’s like you become this lazy POS who can’t get out of bed because you are so low. You spend every moment of your day hanging on to their every word. My individuality, my sense of purpose… they were gone. I was literally lost in love. And as I sit here reflecting, I can’t help but think of my next love. And how (I hope) I won’t feel that way ever again. People will try to tell you true love is crazy, dumb, blind and painful. And overpowering. And will make you feel terrible and enslave you. Hold you down and shake everything from your mind, body and soul until all you have left to yourself is your name (and there is a good chance you will give up even your name for such a powerful form of love.) All these fictional books and movies and poorly written “quotes” that make their way onto the internet for millions to read make it sound like all of that is supposed to be a beautiful experience. But, I don’t want to be enslaved. I don’t want to feel crazy. I don’t want someone to take everything I have in me. I don’t think that’s what love is. I don’t want to feel like an addict. I don’t want to feel desperate, eager to change and eager to please. I don’t want to hurt, and when I think about it, there is a reason why this love did not last me the rest of my life.

You never love the same way twice, and there is no way in hell you should. Not in my case at least. Not in the case of anyone who has been destroyed by another human being. There’s no more chasing that “first high” for me. The idea of someone bringing joy in my life, and keeping it there, excites me. The idea of someone being complimentary to the person I am, not supplementary, excites me. I can’t wait to meet someone who brings me to life, yes, but doesn’t do things to “kill” me in the same breath. Someone who wants to wake up and figure out how he, no matter how small he is in the grand scheme of things, has an idea of how he can impact the world. Someone who realizes that this life will affect the next, so he chooses to live accordingly. Someone I can keep safe, while he keeps me wild. And all the other corny cliché things about love. Someone to hold hands with, and kiss, and to laugh with, and a person who is above all, my friend. As I write this, I know I am writing for so many friends still hurting over a love lost like mine, or even an unrequited love. The problem with that is that they don’t see all the good that can come from new love and hopefully, a better love. Trust me, it takes time to heal and to gain an understanding of the idea that a new love will be different, and hopefully everything you need (I’m still working on it!) I won’t ever love someone as much as I loved [you know who], but I will love differently.
I can’t say who my next love will be, or where he is. I can’t say I will never cry again, and I can’t say I won’t ever hurt again. What I can say is that I will never love the same way twice, and I hold on to that fact for my dear life.